A Tale of Two Rough Nights

Having one rough night is bad enough. Two in a row...! That's inexcusable! Last night I was wracked with a migraine and stomachache SO bad that I was brought to tears. Home alone, I was forced to call for reinforcements at 11pm. Luckily, my friend Michelle came and sat with me and helped me avoid another trip to the emergency room. 

She grabbed an ice pack and snuggled me into bed and put the pack behind my neck and that calmed the worst of it. I was finally able to doze off for the first time all weekend. She kept vigil by my bed most of the night, which was comforting, and made sure that I was alright. 

Tonight, I lie awake with a HORRID stomachache and throwing up everything...even water. I've taken a melt away zofran, used an ice pack (having that on my tummy did NOT feel good), had my back rubbed, and taken phenergan, all to, so far, no avail. 

Come morning, urgent care will have me reenacting the old Mervyns commercial "Open! Open! Open!" Hopefully they'll be able to provide me with some relief. I can only imagine how dehydrated I am. 

It's aweful being awake in such excruciating pain knowing that there's no real place for you to turn. I feel helpless, my parents feel at a loss, the ER tells me they're not the place to turn to, I feel like urgent care will most likely tell me the same thing--what, then, am I supposed to do?! Live with it? Suck it up like a champ? This isn't a bruise, splinter, twisted ankle, or run-of-the-mill stomach issue...this is serious here, people!!

Do doctors take a course in chronic illness? I mean, in how to deal with them at the bedside manner end of it? If they don't, I think they should. Many of them lack, SEVERELY, the proper bedside manner needed to deal with someone living with chronic illnesses. Pleas don't belittle us. That's the last things we need since, often times, coming in to the ER or urgent care was one of the hardest decisions we had to make that day anyhow. 

Chronic Illness and Suicide...It's NOT the Answer!

It seems that suicide has touched the fringes of my life a lot recently. And by the fringes, I mean, The Fringes. It's been friends of my friends, friends of my friends through the Internet. Always people I don't know directly. But it still effects me and I still have this innate desire in me for wanting to help those TRULY effected, to cope with the passing of their friend. But it's difficult. 

I know that it's not uncommon for suicide to enter into the Chronic Illness Community. According to The Truth About Suicides, 10% of suicides that occur in Britain are a result of having a chronic illness. 

( http://gu.com/p/3xcmx/sbl) We are in tremendous amounts of physical pain, we experience mental illness, there are various physical struggles that we experience:: chronic vomiting, chronic nausea, fatigue, joint dislocations, fainting spells, dizziness, and the list goes on. Add onto it the feeling of being a burden or failure to your family and friends because you cannot participate in life like they do. You cannot attend functions like you want, there are the frequent trips to the doctor and the unwanted trips to the hospital, the copious amounts of medication. You feel like a thousand pound weight that your loved ones must lug around. 

Sometimes, giving up seems like the most logical thing to do. You'll leave behind the pain, the grief, the struggle, the countless number of pill bottles, the feeling of being a burden.

But it's not the answer..!

As someone who is living, struggling, maintaining with a few chronic and incurable diseases, I KNOW that it is not easy. I know the struggle of wanting to give up. I have been hooked up to those IVs, been to those countless doctor visits, had the feeling of being a burden; but giving up is NOT an option! I get upset and angry, but I chose to turn it around into something positive. 

There is SO much here on earth to live for! Friends, family, work--though I know not all are able to do that. There are volunteer opportunities, advocating opportunities--which can be done online if getting out of the house is too difficult at any given time. Stephen Schmidt says, "Life is filled with lots of certainties, one has friends, a lover, children, family, a task and dreams for a better tomorrow. On the other hand, death is always filled with mystery; we die alone, we leave all those earthly pleasures" (http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=307) We have to hope that tomorrow will be a better day, even if just a little bit. 

My hope and prayer is that no Spoonie will turn to suicide as an answer. Turn to Advocacy instead. Turn to creativity. Turn to God! Turn to a friend. I don't have all of the answers, I really don't, but I know that the answer to suicide is always to get help. If you need to talk to someone please go to http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org