I Love Photography...I Miss Photography

Josh Head of Emery

I have always liked doing concert photography. That has always been one of my passions. I was That Girl, that would show up to a show obscenely early in order to be in the front row, that would wait through the lesser known bands for several hours—and a TON of sun—to get to the headliners. I wouldn't leave my spot to get food or go to the bathroom because I was front row center. I would travel hours across states to go to festivals to see my favorite bands. Again, muscling my way to the front with my camera in order to get some good shots. Not because I was shooting for anything or anyone specific, but because it was something that I enjoyed doing.

I don't know how many times I've been body-slammed, stepped on, kicked, grabbed, and strangled by microphone wires because of being in the front row trying to get that “money shot”. I would headbang, mosh, and scream right along with the band and the other fans, not because I was trying to fit in, but because I

Andrew Schwab of Project 86

 was having just as much fun as they were. I was no Belieber, I was a metalhead, an emo/screamo listener, lover of nu-metal...in short: I like the LOUD stuff! You don't listen to bands like P.O.D, Project 86, Emery, Demon Hunter, and Love & Death and have the volume on 5...you crank that baby up! I knew I was always guaranteed to have pictures filled with wild hair, beautiful tattoos, sweet guitars, and wild stage antics. I never knew what I was going to get, but I knew it was going to be amazing!

And then Gastroparesis happened.

Noah Henson of Pillar

I remember the first music festival that I went to after getting sick in 2010. I hadn't been diagnosed yet, I was wheelchair-bound, unable to eat or drink much of anything, and vomiting up pretty much everything. I was miserable. But I have been going to Spirit West Coast since 1997 and my favorite band, Pillar, was going to be there and I wasn't going to let being abhorrently ill prevent me from seeing them. Sure, I couldn't walk, I could barely stand, my vision was sketchy...in short, I was a mess. I got my wheelchair up to the front of the mosh pit and I stood up and, camera in hand, rocked out taking pictures through half of the show...and then I couldn't take it anymore. But I got some pretty sweet shots! That's all that really mattered to me. I wanted to get myself that perfect shot and make sure that I was up front for one last Pillar show.

Brian "Head" Welch

A few months and a couple of diagnosis later, I attended a Red, Disciple, and Brian “Head” Welch (Now his band is called Love & Death) show. Again, I was as close as I could get, this time with a cane, and my camera in hand. I had such a good time. But, just like the time at Spirit West Coast just months before, I pooped out very quickly. Instead of being able to stand the entire show like I used to, taking shots in quick succession, it had turned more into a few snaps and then sitting. Not eating will do that to a person. But, like before, at least I got some good shots and walked away having seen (and met) my favorite member of Korn in his new band.

Since the arrival of Gastroparesis into my life I have not attended an actual stand-alone concert, I have only attended a couple of music festivals, and that has been hard for me. For someone that used to go to concerts CONSTANTLY, not having been to one in ages, is a bit heart wrenching. I have not picked up an actual

Soul Glo Activator of Family Force Five

camera in...I cannot tell you how long. I used to do photoshoots for people on occasion and I LOVED it, but that's hard for me, as well. I tire easily from picking the camera up and putting it up to my eye, getting up and down from the ground, and the simple act of catching shots or thinking up shots is taxing. So, unless a client can understand that, then I'm out of luck.

I'll admit, it's hard not to dwell on the things that Gastroparesis has taken away from me. But when you look back on the things that you used to do and realize that you just cannot do them anymore, it's hard not to become melancholy. I guess you jut have to learn how to adapt and make a new way for yourself. In a sense, photography hasn't been COMPLETELY taken from me...I still have my iPhone! Take THAT Gastroparesis!

The Sunrise using my iPhone

The Girl With Gastroparesis and Her Obsession with Wicked

I have a slight obsession with the Broadway play Wicked. Ok, slight might not be an appropriate adjective, but I don't know if there's a stronger word for it. I have seen the play--brace yourself...10 times(this Saturday will mark my tenth time)...yes, I said TEN times, here in California and I could see it ten more. I have read the book, bought the sound track, bought a necklace (Elphaba's, of course), dressed up as a character from the play (Elphaba, of course), attended Behind the Emerald Curtain, and watched as well as downloaded videos from the play. 

Hello, my name is Christine and I am a Wicked addict. 

There is just SOMETHING about that play that resonates with me...deeply. I identify, very well, with Elphaba (The Wicked Witch of the West). She's an outcast, misunderstood, feels unloved, IS unloved, everything you can imagine. However, she's EVERYTHING you wouldn't think of when the Wicked Witch comes to mind. She's a fighter, she's a champion, she wants to wrong the rights of the world...she just wants to be loved for who she is. 

That is how I feel about being diagnosed with, not only Gastroparesis, but IBS, vertigo, migraines, the surprise diagnoses of peripheral neuropathy, and (mild) POTS. These diagnosis are my "green skin", things to hold me back, make me different, just like Elphaba. But then we embrace what makes us different, what is meant to set us apart and we FLY!

Wicked has taught me more than one could EVER imagine a play about witches could! I've learned to "Dance Through Life" blissfully like Fiyero and change my way of thinking. My first several times seeing Wicked, I was healthy and blissful, but now that has all changed. I have learned that things aren't always about me--Galinda I am not! I have learned to not hide who I am or what it is that I am experiencing--like The Wizard. Each main character speaks to me in a different way and is applicable to my Chronic Illness Journey. 

I hope to one day make it out to New York to see Wicked on Broadway. That is a dream of mine. I would probably BAWL the entire time! I would love to meet Kristen Chenoweth (a fellow chronic illness sufferer [she has Ménière's Disease]) and Idina Menzel, two people who helped--and continue to do so through the original soundtrack--bring the main characters to life for me from the beginning. But, for now, I will continue to catch the show any time it comes to Southern California. 

I HIGHLY suggest that if you even have the SLIGHTEST possibility of seeing Wicked, that you see it. I promise that you will not be disappointed. See for yourself the show that has touched me so much and see how it touches you. If you've already seen it, let me know how Wicked has impacted or inspired you!

Why and How I Am Able To Work

I am one of the lucky ones and I count my blessings for that every day. I can still get up and go to work, while there are many out there with Gastroparesis that are unable. While my job is not PHYSICALLY taxing, there are days when it can be mentally and emotionally difficult on me, which is just as bad. You see, I work at a local high school as a classroom aid with kids who are learning handicapped (think book slow, but otherwise fine). I LOVE what I do, but some days it takes its toll. 

Some days I have to excuse myself from the classroom to run down the hall--thankfully it's not too far--to throw up. Other days I feel so incredibly nauseous that all I can do is put my head down for a little while. Sometimes I find myself just staring off into space because I lack energy--not eating will do that to a gal. But I'm honest with the teacher that I work with, "I may be heading out the door quick today, just so you know". I'm even honest with the kids about my condition. There's no sense in lying. I've played that game before. It gets you nowhere. 

People have suggested that I go on disability since I struggle so much with (mainly) my Gastropatesis. There are days, like the last three, where I can hardly eat and I am throwing up what I DO consume. Honestly, the thought has crossed my mind. Sitting at home sounds WAY better than dealing with teenagers all day! 

But then I think of the kids...

I have come to know and love these kids and they love me. We have bonded over the years and if I even miss ONE day, they want to know where I am. If I'm upset, they want to know why. If they're upset, I want to know why. They know they can come to me with their problems, with questions, with work they need help on, anything. Even on days when I don't feel well, they can tell and will try and make me feel better. 

It is for those smiling faces that hope that I will come to their graduation(s), wish that I didn't hurt, write me sweet notes, and tell me that I'm the best teacher (aid) that they've ever had that helps me come to work each and every day. 

I know that there are people out there that simply CANNOT work and I can empathize. For a year I was unable to work as the doctors tried to figure out what was going on with me. I feel your pain. I cried DAILY to be back with "my babies" because I missed being with them. I missed being with them during my surgery recovery period earlier this school year--even the ones that drive me crazy! (I had kids tell me they missed me yelling at them!)  I pray that, one day, you all will be well enough to return to work or have a job for the first time. 

So, I guess this is for all of my kiddos out there who really aren't kiddos anymore. Thank you for making me laugh and smile every day. Thank you for helping me forget about my problems and inviting me--whether you like it or not--into your lives. 

The Girl That's Inspired By Quotes (Isn't That What They're For?)

Personally, I love quotes. You can learn a lot about how a person thinks by the kind of quotes that they like and put out for people to see. If a person displays quotes that are self-serving or materialistic, then you know where their allegiance lies--in themselves. If their quotes tend to be about money or "making bank", then you know that person is quite focused on the all mighty dollar (which can be a good or bad thing). Quotes can be snarky, uplifting, mean, you name it! 

With this in mind, I have decided to share some of my favorite quotes and scriptures. Ones that have helped me get through the difficult times, have put a smile on my face, and are sure to do it again for me in the years to come. They come from the Bible, from people who have changed the world, and from various others. My hope is that you'll find something that touches you (or tickles you) amongst them. 

WORLD CHANGERS

BIBLE VERSES

LITERARY QUOTES

FUNNY LIFE QUOTES OF RANDOMNESS

A Sunny Disposition Goes A Long Way

In general, I am a happy person. I am not one of those people that you see who has a smile on their face for no reason--and then you wonder if you should call The Funny Farm for me--but my disposition is generally congenial. I am friendly, and even when I should be crying or grumpy, I'm not. I have decided to apply this to my Life with Gastroparesis as well.

Feeling like you've always got to throw up tends to make one want to lash out,

possibly want to strike the nearest unruly person within two feet--I plead the fifth as to whether this has happened or not--so you have to chose whether you're going to give in to that inner Hulk or remain the more mild Bruce Banner. I have chosen

to be a more peppy and present Bruce Banner--he's a little squirrelly, if we're honest with ourselves.

And here's why::

IT EFFECTS OTHERS AS WELL AS MYSELF

My ability to uplift my own attitude, no matter how horrid I'm feeling, uplifts

those around me. It doesn't mean I have to LIE to them and say that I feel well, but I don't have to act like a retch as well as feeling like one. Does that make sense? I can smile through the pain with people, I don't have to be mean, I don't have to be downtrodden, I don't have to be a spoil sport, I CAN be pleasant during my times of struggle. It IS possible. I think that is something that is forgotten, not only on the sick, but on the able, as well. 

WE CAN AND WE WILL

When we show those around us that, we are hurting, but we are overcoming that pain or that nausea or whathaveyou, it shows that we are conquerors! It shows that we can't be knocked down and that we are fighters! Laughing through pain, smiling through the tears helps immensely! I know from personal experience. 

GENERAL WELL-BEING

It has been documented in the NY Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html?_r=0) that laughter increases endorphins which helps a person's overall well-being. Wouldn't you

want to improve your health simply by laughing?! Let's all take a pause in our life right now and laugh. READY...AND...LAUGH!!!!!! Don't you feel better already?!

So, despite your circumstances, let out a little chuckle every now and again to help your general health! Smile! And spread some sunshine! Show someone you care, despite your own pain, and give a hug!

Please Do Not Apply For This Life

Throughout life, people try and gain the attention of those around them for various reasons. Maybe its trying to gain the attention of someone that you like by being flirtatious. In the case of an aspiring athlete, it's by sending letters and performing well when scouts

come to watch. In the case of a potential boss, it's presenting oneself professionally and providing an adequate resume. Children will even act out positively and negatively in order to gain the attention of their parents, teachers, and their peers. These are all understandable—and natural—parts of life. What I do NOT understand is pretending to have a chronic, incurable, or terminal illness in order to gain the attention of anyone.

You think I'm joking, right? I'm not.

Recently, not far from where I live, a woman was caught for faking having cancer. She duped friends, family, and countless others into thinking she was terminal, when, in fact, she was not sick with cancer at all. For what purpose? Attention. Money. Sympathy. She got what she wanted, for a time. Personally, I have come across people on Instagram who are faking being ill with various illnesses—and not even getting the actual definition of the illness correct—deleting their profiles and starting over when they're called out. Some go even as far as to tape and glue on fake feeding tubes with string and noodles! For what purpose? Attention. Gifts. Sympathy.

My question is this: Why!?!

Why on EARTH would you willingly invite—albeit falsely—these illnesses into your life? Why on EARTH would you want to be like any of us? Do you know what Gastroparesis, migraines, vertigo, and IBS has given me? Urgent care visits...Emergency room visits...IV sticks...CAT scans...MRIs...countless medications...the loss of eating many foods...the implantation of a gastric neurostimulator...and SO much more. And I am one of the LUCKY ones! Chronic Illness Warriors are all women and men who did not ASK to be ill, but, instead, became this way by no choice of our own. We

would WILLINGLY give up our illness(es)--not give them to anyone, but get rid of them—to be healthy and free! We often have to fight, FIGHT to have those in our circle understand what it is that we experience on a daily basis...the pain...the fatigue...the nausea...the unrelenting doctors visits...the loneliness we feel because people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND. And then when we feel like we've found a community where we've found people who are going through the same things we are, we have to be guarded, we have to almost quiz people to make sure that they TRULY are ill.

That is truly very sad. 

Can I be honest? Just go. Just go and be healthy and live your lives. Go be flirty with a guy (or a girl), go ride rollercoasters with

reckless abandon, go annoy your classmates. Be ADVOCATES for us, but don't try and BE one of us. It's not a life that you want. Not at all.

Motorcycle Ridin' and the Girl with Gastroparesis

I have grown up riding motorcycles. The story goes that, when I was just a mere two weeks old, my dad loaded me up on his motorcycle and took me around our cul-de-sac. He said I was fascinated with the chrome gas cap and drooled. I just say that I was adorable. Anyway, I grew up going on street rides and dual sport rides my entire life with my dad. We were even featured in the Press Enterprise (our local newspaper) once because, at that time (1992-ish) there really weren't many father-daughter duos doing dual sport rides. I was famous, in my own mind, for a microsecond.

On Martin Luther King, Jr.  Day (January 19, 2015) I decided to go ahead and get on the back of the motorcycle with my
dad to go on a ride. We decided to go to Palomar Mountain Observatory since I had never been and would take the Suzuki, a touring bike. I figured that this would be a more comfortable bike for me since it has s backrest, saddlebags, and designed for cruising. 

I was wrong. 

About twenty minutes into the ride I felt completely tortured. It felt as though my insides were rattled into my chest and swollen to about ten times their actual size--of course they weren't. Alfred, my gastric neurostimulator, didn't seem impressed with the ride either, as I SWEAR the left side of the bike rattled more than the whole thing. By the time we got to the observatory, I was done. Stick a fork in me, done. But we still had to drive home. 

Drat. 

I'm pretty sure we took the long way home, but as I didn't have the foggiest idea of how to get home or where we were, I was at the mercy of the whole experience. We got stuck behind slow people who did not know how to drive in pseudo-mountains and then again behind people who did not know how to drive in the desert. Thankfully, we passed these people. VROOM! By the time we got home I couldn't walk--imagine a wisened old cowboy--and I'm pretty sure my stomach, liver, kidneys, and spleen were all a mass of gelatinous goo. 

The take away...

Gastroparesis, post gastric neurostimulator implantation, and motorcycle riding DO NOT mix! I will be visiting fun places from the comfy seat of a vehicle of some kind from now on...sorry, Dad! This Motorcycling Daughter just cannot handle it anymore! 

        Palomar Mountain Observatory