So I've Been Diagnosed With Fibromyalgia

I went to the doctor this morning--an early Christmas present to myself--because I've been experiencing the worst joint and muscle pains known to man. There have been mornings where I didn't know if I would be able to get out of bed. Every possible joint in my body, including the itty-bitty ones in my toes and fingers hurt.  It's quite flabbergasting. 

This past weekend was the last straw. 

I had a photoshoot with my dog at a nearby train museum and I had a hard time keeping up. By the end of the afternoon I had such a hard time coping with the pain that I wanted to cry. But that's life sometimes, right?

Not with this pain. It feels like someone is SHOVING their thumbs into my joint sockets and twisting. It feels like an elephant is standing on my femur. It feels like my blood has been replaced with lava from a volcano. It feels like my hands and feet are on fire. It's inhumane. 

The doctor diagnosed me as having fibromyalgia this morning. Yay, one more diagnosis. One more incurable disease. One more disease whose only treatment are pills that I cannot really take because of my gastroparesis. 

Being chronically ill...it sucks. Really badly. 

Now, with this new diagnosis of fibromyalgia I hurt, all of the time, which sucks because I am a touchy feely person. I love to hug people. I love getting hugs. But it hurts. I don't want people to stop and I don't want to stop hugging people. 

The chronic illness life...it changes you. 

Musings of A Girl In Pain At 1AM

It's 1:30AM here in Southern California and I'm lying in my bed "wide awake" because everything burns and hurts. Every joint. Every muscle. EVERYTHING hurts. My jawbone and teeth ache. My hands burn as if someone is trying to set them on fire. The pain is uncanny! Even my poor little pinky toe...poor little fella! 

I do not, that I know of, have fibromyalgia. Friends have asked if its a possibility and I just say:: No, I'm getting old and I don't eat! Lack of basic nutrition will make you she in places that you didn't know we're possible of even aching--like your hair. 

In the last 3 weeks my Gastroparesis has been at 100%+ and food is a definite enemy. My mantra has been "Food Is Not Your Friend", but of course it is and it's just my cranky stomach telling me otherwise. I LOVE food and I love to eat and cook it, but right now, I want nothing to do with it. It makes me physically ill, I barf it up, we are not friends. Because of this I haven't eaten much more than handfuls of crackers at a time (last night I ate some mac & cheese!) and have lost at least 7 pounds as a result. 

On Wednesday I saw my surgeon, Dr. Marrujo, thinking he would probably turn my gastric neurostimulator Alfred back on, he didn't. He said, because it seems to not really have done much, if anything for me, and I'm doing so poorly now, I am at a crossroads as to what to do next. He suggested seeing a Dr. Lim and trying Domperidone, but I've tried that before and had no success. I was honest and said:: I don't often cry about my situation but I cried last week. Im tired. Im tired of being sick. Im sick of being tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't know if I qualify for getting tunes and I don't know if that's what I'm asking for but I'm just done. He questioned what I meant by "tubes" and I said:: for hydration...for food...for something. I'm just done. I just want to go to sleep and wake up not feeling like this. 

I'm thinking he might have thought I'd lost my marbles there for a minute. 

Anyway, he changed my as-needed pain medicine from Tylenol with Codeine to Norco to see how that goes and had me do blood work and is going to see me in two weeks. In true Spoonie fashion my blood work came back normal--I can see the results online--and here I sit, aching like I've gone 76 rounds with Mike Tyson. 

I KNOW that I'm lucky that I can function as well as I do, but I can feel it slowly disappearing as the days and weeks go by. Maybe what I need is a break from work, which is soon coming. Summer break starts in a week. But, at the same time, I have no idea what I REALLY need--besides a LOT of prayer. It's all so frustrating. It's all very tiring. I just want the pain and the nausea to stop. I want to go to sleep and wake up refreshed in the morning. 

That's not too much to ask for, right?